How do you solve a problem like Maria?

There is a very definite chapter change happening in our lives at the moment. 

And I'm not sure I like it. 

Actually, I'm really mad about it. Angry. Livid. Raging.

But more than that I'm sad. So immensely sad.

For those that don't know, Chris's job, of which he loves and does a bloody amazing job at, has been made redundant. His last day was supposed to be Friday just gone, but when he took a call from a group where the proverbial had just hit the fan, he didn't hesitate to say he would help.  And, as much as it messed with the plan for my week, I didn't say no when he said he wanted us all to come. 

 This is the first place Chris visited this time last year. And our whole family came on that trip too.  We were once again welcomed into the fold, just like any member who turns up to be helpful the week of Christmas. And whilst Chris went to work, and the relief fell over these peoples face as he weaved his magic, I wrapped Christmas presents, guillotined invites for their movie night, made coffee and swept the floor. Our kids did amazingly well and had way too much technology time.  But hey, they also ran on the beach and got soaked to the skin - or running around naked if you are J - and had an amazing evening as well.  

So, as this chapter falls to a close, though I am still trying to work out if God is trying to tell me that this chapter is not yet closed or I'm just living in denial, I know one thing. God gave Chris this job for a very specific purpose. One was that he would have the flexibility our family has needed for the last 12 months. Another has been to surround him with amazing Christian people who genuinely love him and what he does.  They have nurtured him and encouraged him, whilst also letting him spread his wings. And another has been to have us covered in prayer. Many a time has something thats been going on in our family has gone onto their prayer list. 

Now, while we wait to see what the next chapter holds, it's part grief over a job that was so much more than a job, and part anticipation of what next year has in store for us.  It's exhaustion over a year that has not been the easiest.  It's gratitude over all the things that have given us highs. It's acknowledging the learnings from the lows. 

So, if you are a pray-er, hell, even if you aren't, God hears you anyway, please pray for our family.  We would love to know what we are doing next year. What Chris's work looks like.  

All I know, is that the quote from one of my favourite movies is true - when the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. 

Looking back.....

I had the amazing opportunity to go out last night with a group of girls who all have kids who have Autism.  It's honestly one of those places that I love to go and chat about all things Autism and spend time hearing how far kids have come, and what's new and what are they doing next.  We also drink wine, so that's a plus, because really, everything is better when a glass of wine is involved. And Sarah ordered Wedges, so that was good too.

One thing stuck me last night. I was telling stories. About some of the most horrific things that have happened over the last....6 years.
Some only in the last few weeks.
Like, J turning all the knobs to full on the stove while the lunchboxes were sitting on top and D coming out of the house yelling "there's smoke, there's smoke,grab your phone we need to get out". This did mean that a fire truck was called. And fortunately there is only a little bit of plastic burnt to my stovetop and that's the extent of the damage which is miraculous because there was a lot of smoke! But sadly the story I told didn't end there, it ended at about midday, when I picked D back up from school after he had decided a teacher was the best thing to take his heightened state out on, by punching, kicking her and pulling her hair. Then punching the lady who came to assist the original teacher. All because his "plan" of the game he was going to play was ruined by a piece of school equipment being broken.
Or going back to the time J was little and still in a pram. D took off in Target to find me, and by the time my mum had turned the pram around he was out of sight.  A lady followed him out of Target and stopped him when he got halfway down the mall because no adult was following him.
Or the time D ran off when J was just a baby at an Australia Day big breakfast. While all the other kids from our Mum's group (who I love and adore, just as an aside) seemingly sat beautifully whilst we ran around thousands of people looking for him.  Getting a phone call from the "lost childrens tent" because we had thought to write our phone number on his arm if such an event were to occur.

I guess my point is, the time my mother in law told me about had come. (Yes, I did just acknowledge that my mother in law was right. I know that would be a shock to some people) It was no longer about the deep emotions that I felt at the time - though I can vividly remember them - but it had become about the story. 

And I did one of two things for the lovely lady of whom it was her first time with us. I either scared her off for good, or alternatively, she thinks that if I can survive that amount of crap, then this is a good group to be in.

I really hope it's the second one :)

Kelly xx

Recharging the Soul

It's our 15th Wedding Anniversary. Or, at least it was, when I wrote this.  I have it all beautifully penned out in my life planning journal (that sounds much more wanky than it really is).


Anyway, after much planning, stressing, anxiety and almost cancelling in the midst of trying to pack on Thursday afternoon, we have finally made it away.

We have dropped the boys at my Mum's house for what I'm sure will be a fabulous time. We drove nearly 3 hours and are currently halfway through our 2 night getaway.

There have been a few things that have struck me since we got here.

• We are both sighing. A lot. It's like we are breathing for the first time in a long time.

• We have both slept. A full nights sleep. And a day nap. Blissful recharge

• It's quiet and yet it's not.  We are surrounded by bush, and listening to the beautiful sounds of the animals around us is amazing.

• We have had uninterrupted conversation, something I forgot how to have effectively. Yes, we have both talked a lot about what's been going on lately, but also with the time to reflect as well.

• I miss my boys. Their smiles. Their cuddles. Their cheekiness. Their smells.

• How much we needed this. To decompress. To just be us. To not be Mum & Dad for just a few days.

The other thing I realised is how much I like spending time with my hubby. How nice it is to snuggle up on the couch and just enjoy his company. Whilst we do this at home, it's always with the nagging thought that the toys need to be picked up or that washing up needs doing. Though perhaps when we do it at home, it is more like we have both fallen in a heap and we are just propping each other up!

And whilst this little weekend away went way too fast and is unfortunately a distant memory only a month after we have had it, I am so glad that we went.  It was amazing to celebrate a massive milestone in our marriage.  Something lots - and almost ours too - don't make it to.
Kelly xx

The blog I really don't want to write

OK, so I don't want to write this.

I have been procrastinating on doing it for the last week. OK, maybe 2.

I kinda feel like putting it on paper, correction - on the screen, makes it all real.

But I feel it's only fair that I let you all know how the rest of the assessment went. That I do you that service.  

After spending 3 hours with a psychologist on the Monday, being asked obscure questions about things that happened particularly between the years of 3 and 4, we came away with a sense that she knew what she was talking about and we felt heard. 

At least I didn't come away questioning whether I had breastfed too much, or not enough. Or hadn't been hard enough on him. Or maybe I had been too hard. Maybe I cuddled him too much, or maybe not enough. Or maybe. Or maybe. Or maybe.

 It did make clear that I had blocked out a lot of the years between 2 and 4 quite successfully, and it was only going back and reading old posts on a forum that I used to vent my frustrations on that helped me remember just how shitty it had been.

The most hilarious thing was the next day, getting to watch D go through his actual assessment.  I reckon the psychologist nearly turned us around halfway down the hallway to the room - going "enough, I've heard enough. Yep, diagnosis granted". Sadly, it wasn't quite as simple as that.  We got to watch through a one way mirror.  It was all I could do to not make "Law & Order" references all the way through.

And whilst watching him and delighting in how amazing and intriguing he is, it occurred to me that he spent the whole time moving.  That he does not stop. And that this is pretty normal when he's not engrossed in lego or minecraft related things.

In the end, we are confirmed that he meets criteria for an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) diagnosis.  We are also informed that he meets criteria for an ADHD (Attention deficit hyperactive disorder) diagnosis as well.  We had been expecting the ASD diagnosis, that's what we were there for.  The ADHD, not so much, even though that's what the Paediatrician had been suggesting all along, and not seeing the ASD that we saw.  

And since this blog has actually taken me 3 weeks to write, then it has occurred to me that it's taken me a little longer to process than I first thought. It does throw us into a new time of getting D the help that he needs to make things smoother for him.  In this somewhat familiar territory having been in ASD land with J for pretty much 12 months to the day, it's also vastly different as there is no developmental delay to contend with at the same time.

If I seem a little distracted, then my apologies. There's a lot going on at the moment. Feel free to be blunt with me if there's something I should have done and I haven't. But also, feel free to drop in for a cuppa - just don't expect my house to be tidy!

So there we have it. It is done. It is written. 

Much love
Kelly xx

The exhausted extrovert

I have had some amazing opportunities to fill my tank this week just gone.

I did one of those online personality tests. One of those things that it tells you in 20 questions or less (actually, it was 47, but - whatever!) It told me I was an Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving. I'm not quite sure exactly what that means, but it reminded me that I love people.  I love being around people. I love being around people who are not specialists or therapists.

I got the chance last week, thanks to my amazing husband who picked up the parenting reigns with gusto

I got to go to a training course and talk business with the girls in my team, which included dinner with my beautiful friend and upline Kelly (yes, it gets confusing both of us having the same name!).

I got to go out to drinks and dinner with my beautiful life coach and a group of the amazing people who have been through the same course. If you are a woman and need some high performance life coaching, Lauren Heys from Moxxi is your woman.  She's smart, brilliant and very good at what she does. Being surrounded by women who are all interested in looking after one another and supporting each other doing amazing things just makes you want to be better.

Then, to top it off I got a night in Sydney with my best friend which was awesome. To sit and have an uninterrupted conversation. well, except for the cat that jumped up behind me and scared the crap out of me, then had us in hysterics.

We then headed off to a full day course. Oh My God.  Not only did I get to meet one of the women that I have pretty much idolised for the last 2 years, one of her staff that I have become friends with surprised us all by flying up from Melbourne to be there for the day!  Beyond excited! I also got to meet Tamara, another participant who I have become friends with, who I wouldn't have met without The Parental Stress Centre.

After a great day of reinforced learning, lots of people, lots of dancing and jumping up and down and remembering why I keep slogging away at changing my mindset, I also realised some other things.  I realised that I am very much an extrovert. I love being in contact with people. I love sharing what I am learning and love talking to people who are going through similar things.I love talking so much that I missed my train and nearly missed my bus coming home. Kudos goes to the compassionate lady and bus driver at Murray's buses that held my bus while I ran frantically through Central station in the wrong direction trying desperately to get to the bus. My apologies to the gentleman that I plonked myself next to while gasping for breath and sweating like a pig.

I also realised that I am exhausted. As much as I want to be out there and loving people and being in the middle of everything, with the amount of energy it takes functioning around what my family needs of me, then I'm spent and then some. Yes, I could go to bed a little earlier, but facebook, and now this blog is my extrovert outlet.  So, if you are offended that the only contact you get from me is through Facebook messenger - tough titties.  It's the place I can sit on my couch, with my feet up and my bra off and often with a glass of wine in my hand while I interact with the world on a level that at I can manage. So it's not that I don't love you all. It's probably quite the opposite.  At the moment we are just in exhausted mode, and it won't always be like this (Please God don't let it always be like this!). And if we are having a coffee together, and I fall asleep, be a dear and pop a pillow under my head leave me to it.

Kelly xx

Overwhelmed

And no, not my usual style of being overwhelmed.

Not one that is fixed by a couple of glasses of wine and falling in to a deep sleep on the couch from exhaustion.

Overwhelmed with love.

In a moment of craziness, I shared my blog link on my personal facebook page today.

I had kinda clicked post before I thought about it.

I had been really anxious about who I shared this blog with, only giving the link to a few key friends and a few random people who don't know me well enough to judge me on it!

But what came was not what I had expected.

It was so much more.

Messages of love. Messages suggesting that I am something more than I am. That I'm brave. That we as a family are brave.

Whilst I appreciate the outpouring of love and support, I don't feel like I'm brave. I don't feel like we are amazing. I don't feel like we are doing anything that any other family wouldn't do.  

Yes, we fight. And hard.  But wouldn't you? Wouldn't you be asking questions, researching, trying new things, helping your child to be the best they can be?

OK, I acknowledge, that we have challenges that are different than that of other families.  That's the whole point of the blog, after all.  But just like if the roles were reversed, you would buy your kids noise cancelling head phones.
You would work out when sensory overload was coming.
You would try diet changes and stay on a diet for 2 and a half years because you see benefits from it. 
You pursue speech therapy and OT. You put visuals through your house to encourage speech. You simplify your language so you can make your language clearer.
You enlist the help of a Paediatritian. A Psychologist. The school.
You do parenting courses, because heaven forbid that those critics who don't understand at all are right and it actually is about crappy parenting and nothing about the challenges.
You read. Everything and anything.
You consider. and reconsider. and reconsider again.

And in the end you decide, regardless of how much your kids drive you insane with how long it takes them to put on their shoes, or that at 4 they are still not toilet trained, that you will do anything and everything you can within your power and means to help them.

Kelly xx

The fallout

And now...the fallout.

We have an anxious child that goes from zero to 100 in about a second

We have a child who doesn't trust that what the adults say will actually be the case

We have a child who is pushing his brother around to gain a sense of control

We have an anxious mother who still doesn't know if what she did was right

We have a father who has a lot on his plate as well as trying to keep us all together


We have ... quite honestly....4 exhausted people in our home.


People who are trying to do their best, feeling like they never quite measure up.

People who are a little too hard on themselves and those around them that they love

People who are trying to make headway in a rocky time that feels like it just rolls from one thing to another, a bit like a wave that crashes and tumbles on the shore, only getting a second to come up for air.

People who feel invisible and conspicuous all at the same time.

People who are not looking for sympathy, but a way through the forrest.

People - particularly the boys - who feel like they fit out. One who is starting to notice that he's different.  The other that seems to be blissfully unaware.  I'm sure that won't stay that way.

People who desperately want it to not be like this..............

The observation

Today we had D's observation for his assessment.  It was horrible.  And you know what the most horrible thing about it was? That we had to actively undo all the good work we had done over the holidays in getting him all calm and settled ready to go in to the term.

So, we withdrew all his supports at home.

We messed with his routine

We allowed technology when it's not usually allowed

We refused to facilitate him doing anything to be ready in the morning

We gave him too much choice

I deliberately accidentally broke the train track that he's been working on for the last day and a half.

We were late for school

I left abruptly

We employed the help of other classes in the school to help get him as escalated as we could

We removed all the supports at school

We created a chaotic and unpredictable environment for him to be in

And you know what we noticed? Whilst he was obviously escalated and anxious, that his coping skills and management of himself has increased dramatically.  He didn't completely melt down - which we had expected.  He didn't need to come home because we had pushed so hard that he broke. He has grown as a person this last year in ways that we possibly hadn't noticed.  

It's one of the challenges that you face when you have a child that sits "outside the box", that you need to actively sabotage them to get other people to see what you are on about.  And that hurts.  I felt like the worst mum in the world when I left an obviously anxious child at school without the usual supports that he would have.  His beautiful teacher told me after that she felt horrible doing it to him too, even though we had an agreement on what we were going to do from the beginning of the year.

Then you know what he says to me tonight? "I don't feel like I fit in Mum, I feel like I fit out, like Oh in Home."

Just breaks my heart really.

Just another manic ....Tuesday

D is a kindy kid.  The theory to that is that he goes to school 5 days a week and enjoys learning lots of things and comes out each day having learnt lots of things.  In reality, this means that more afternoons than not, I speak to his teacher (who is spectacular, by the way) about what has happened, who he's decided is his target for the day and what may have set it off.  Today, for example, the last 15 minutes before we finally trekked across the sludgy playground back to our car was spent like this:

Me - did you take money from the office?
 D - No, I did not.

Me - Why did you take money that didn't belong to you?

D - I didn't take any money
Me - The money that you took, was it gold or silver?

D - Gold

Me - where did you put it?

D - it's in the side pocket of my bag, I'll go get it.

This is the part when I want to scream and say something like "Are you F*n serious? You can't do that!"
The teacher and I look at each other, realise that I have asked a question based on fact and this may have been the key to it all.

I explain that we have to return it because it does not belong to us.

We find the executive teacher.  Then D realises he has to fess up to taking the money.  He's not really happy about that, because he hates to be wrong, or anyone actually having any authority over him at all.  He goes and hides and refuses to return the money.  This is where the big guns are required.  Mummy says he has until I count down from 10 to come.  Otherwise there will be a consequence - and since I have his teacher watching me, and the executive watching me, the consequence is the loss of technology time.  I think I make it until 5 until he decides it's not worth the loss of his most coveted thing in the whole world.  More than life itself.  

Now, to give you the full picture, J is hanging off my arm deciding silently that he is no longer going to walk and most certainly does not want to hold my hand.  Every step we take, J throws his legs out from underneath him to show his protest. I could yell, but it won't make a difference.  He gets thrown on my back and I once again thank the Lord that I embraced the world of babywearing so I can efficiently get a nearly 4 year old onto my back quickly. Otherwise I would have had him under my arm, which also works too.

We get to the office.  We now have to apologise. This is not an easy thing for D, and he loves the office as a place of retreat.  Eventually, he gives the money up (which he had put back in his bag, hoping that he may just get to keep the money) and repeats the apology that I dictate for him.

He then asks if I have any money.  I say no - which is true, because J keeps taking the money out of my wallet and telling me it's chocolate.  Bloody pirate parties have a lot to answer for! - D wants the money for a ride that costs $2.

Anyhoo, this is a fairly normal account of an afternoon at school pick up. It's no wonder that I don't drink more than I do!

Kelly xx

Blogging.

Blogging.

It’s something I have been toying with in the back of my mind for ages.  It’s something that I thought I might be good at. I’m pretty good at talking.  I can talk under wet cement with a mouth full of marbles. Typing is even better.  It doesn’t require me to be in front of you, and that means both of us can be in our pj’s and slippers under a blanket eating chocolate and it doesn’t matter. 

So here goes, my little foray into putting out there what it’s like to live in my world.  I’m a mum with 2 young boys, one diagnosed with Autism and Global developmental delay, and the other who is on the wait list for an assessment, but is feisty and has an issue with seeing other people as having authority over him.  I’m also the wife to my amazing husband who gets the dregs of my time and energy and is often the thing that is propping me up when I fall asleep on the couch exhausted.  I have a network marketing business on the side that keeps me sane.

There are a few things that I’m not.  I’m not a super clean freak.  Actually, cleaning is something I would love to be good at, but it is so low on the priority list, that if you come and visit me and arrive 3 minutes early, you will probably find me frantically vacuuming up the crumbs of whatever it is my children have dropped in the lounge that was never supposed to have food in it (Ha! That lasted about a week).

I’m also not someone who will only show you the highlight reel.  My intention is to show you a warts and all view on what life is really like inside our house.  You may find if you look in the back of any photo’s I post that there are toys all over my floor, or a pile of papers on my desk (and in the 60 lt tub next to the desk waiting to be sorted), maybe even the 7 loads of laundry that is waiting to be folded all over my couch.  Or not.  I pledge to not alter my images, or adjust the angle of a photo to simply give you a better “view” of my life.  I’m over that highlight reel bullshit, and I think it does everyone a disservice.

My kids watch tv. They play lego. They fight. They whinge. They give great hugs. They have amazing smiles.  They drop food on the floor. My little one still sits in a high chair because he will not sit at the table and actually eat without being confined.  My big one gets up from the dinner table about 10 times during any meal. He takes 15 minutes on average to put his shoes on. We rarely get to school before the bell. We do real.

As you may have already noticed, I’m one that has strong opinions.  I don’t apologise for having opinions.  I don’t apologise for sharing them. I don’t expect you to always agree. You are welcome to disagree. If you don’t like what you read, that’s fine. You have every opportunity to stop reading.  That’s the beauty of the internet. Just close the browser!

So, welcome to my blog. I hope you like what you see.

Kelly