The one I want to answer came from a person that I love dearly. Probably one of my guiding lights in my life and she may not even know it. Someone who I watched parent her children and learnt so much from. Someone who I honestly idolised in the parenting space. And her then small boy who I just loved. He's now a much bigger and taller young man who has grown into a fine gentleman from the great work that her and her husband have done. Her 2 girls, one now a young woman, are just a delight to be around and amazingly respectful and funny people.
Anyhoo, the point of this post is not to be an appreciation post about my friend, though I am truly indebted to her for her role model that she provided.
Her question, and I paraphrase, is around how you share the reality of life without offending other people, or how you share information without coming from a place of a wounded heart, where possibly someone has said something that really shows ignorance, or worse yet, judgement.
I come at this from two angles.
One is, that sometimes, you don't know what you don't know.
So, seemingly ignorant or insensitive comments come from people who have no experience of what the reality of your life is like. And in one instance, you don't want them to know the intricacies of the struggle that you face. But you do want them to have compassion with where you are at. So, informing people that possibly I am running on 3 hours sleep because J has been up for the majority of the night might sound like I'm complaining (and honestly, sometimes I am), but it's also trying to inform people that when I say I am tired, that it's not an exaggeration. That this affects my brain processing and sometimes my emotional ability to deal with anything more than the bare minimum is about informing, not making my life seem *worse* than yours.
The other is this. They are operating from the information that they know from their experience.
All the things that have happened to them help inform their opinion on a situation. So it often says more about them than it does about me. I try really hard not to take this personally, particularly when someone wants to tell me my kids need a good smack and that'll learn them. I had one unfortunate experience of this with a father that was very upset that my son had touched his. And I get it, I wouldn't like it if I was him either. But he was rude, and dismissed both my apology and my explanation of what was going on. It really upset me at the time, because I didn't disagree with him. I could see where he was coming from. But he couldn't see where I was coming from. From a parent who is trying everything in their power to help her son get the help he needs to be a better citizen in this world. He doesn't see the time that we take to teach self regulation. To teach using words over hands to make your point. to see the hours of informal therapy that's gone in to getting to where we are at today. And for that dad, I am grateful that he hasn't had that experience. That his point of reference is different.
But I must say this one thing. There are times when people really hurt you. To the core. And then you need to make a decision of whether they are a helpful person to have in your tribe. Sometimes it's time to acknowledge that the time or reason for that person to be in your life has changed. The hardest thing I have found is letting go of that friendship in those circumstances. But there is a point where for my own sanity and to protect my own heart, I need to let go - with gratitude for the role they have played in my life.
What I do think we need to do is help get information out to those who don't have our experience in a model that shows compassion and invites genuine questions. And whilst those questions might be clumsy, is coming from an authentic place from someone's heart, then welcome them, and inform as best you can, without being annoyed at the apparent ignorance. There are always things that we don't know about that others do. It's all about how you do it.
Grace and love.
Kelly xx
