Meltdown.....
A word that has become apparently interchangeable with tantrum. Which annoys me. Because while a tantrum can certainly run into being a meltdown, they are two very different things. I'm not quite sure when they became interchangeable, but it makes it hard to be really clear about what's actually going on when you are looking at a situation.
In our house - a meltdown is losing all control of your ability to rationalise. It means big behaviours and often lashing out physically. Our amazing psychologist calls it "flipping your lid" - when your brain stops using the developed front part, and goes into the primal brain where all it sees is threat and needs to respond by either fight, flight or freeze.
A tantrum is when someone just doesn't get what they want. It's a response to being told that they can't have something, or something doesn't go their way. We have those too in our house.
And here comes the kicker, sometimes a tantrum becomes a meltdown. It stops being about the issue ans it goes into being so overwhelmed that all the skills that the child (and sometimes the parent!) has to keep themselves on track stop working. They have used every tool in their toolbag and this is their last one left.
One of the interesting features in our house is that Declan stays very verbal through this. And so sometimes, I miss that we have moved from being arguementative, into meltdown mode, where I need to stop talking to him and just do what we need to do to get through.
Now, meltdowns are not limited to those in the Autistic world. We have all seen neurotypical kids have a meltdown when they are tired or hungry and feel that they are unable to have their needs met. The thing that does make it different in the Autistic world is that sometimes, it's really hard to work out what happened to set it off. Or, know how hard they have been working leading up to a meltdown, when we are just delighted to have a child that seems to be coping beautifully in what we had expected to be a hard situation.
The other side of it, is the toll it places on the parent. As a parent of a child with big behaviours in their meltdowns, I really struggle with the emotional toll that it takes to work through a meltdown. They leave me exausted and with a whole heap of adrenalin pumping through my veins. I can only imagine what it does to his system! I know that I need to be gentle with myself after one and do something that nourishes me, whether that's a cup of tea or a chat with a friend who will let me download.
These are some of the things that I try and remember when we are in meltdown mode:
- It's not about me. The things that get said and get done are not actually about me. They are pressure release valves.
- Don't join in the meltdown. My job is to guide through it and provide a safe place to land. Sometimes this is easier said than done!
- People looking on are not my concern. They can think what they like, and it has nothing to do with me.
- Being ready for the meltdown to be over and ready to embrace the emotional damn breaking as the thinking brain kicks back in. Sometimes this is really hard when it's been a particularly violent or long meltdown.
- If I have both children with me, ask for help if at all possible. Being concerned that Jonathan is going to run off while dealing with a meltdown from Declan escalates my anxiety and reduces my ability to deal with the meltdown appropriately.
Hope this is helpful
Kelly xx
