I'm writing this from a good place. Just so you know.
But I'm not always in a good place. Some things get me down. Lack of sleep gets to me, sometimes self inflicted, other times simply by children being up and in our bed through the night. Sometimes it's because it feels like I have hit a brick wall. Sometimes it's because of what someone has said, often without knowing the full weight of our circumstances. And this is what I want to talk about.
Anxiety.
Feels a bit like a dirty word to me. But one thing that happens when you have children that don't always act "typically" you become really anxious. You worry about every move that they make. You worry about how something as simple as another child coming to join in their play in a playground might play out. You worry about how the other parents are going to see you. You worry that they are going to think that you are a crappy parent who can't teach their children not to hit or push. Mostly though, these parents don't really understand that Autism has this really nasty way of making that hard to communicate that it's not ok, but when you throw in verbal delays or even simply trouble communicating why you don't like something, then you live your life on the tenterhooks of trying to predict what is going to come next. It's like your spider senses are tingling, but ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!
And, to be honest, I have learnt a lot about being a parent these last 6 and a half years. The way I parent now is a very different way to how I thought I would. I am probably a better parent in a lot of respects. Probably a better person too. A much more compassionate and forgiving person.
But there is one thing that plagues me. And that is anxiety. Anxiety can really be debilitating. It can stop me being able to communicate what's going on. It can make the simplest decision seem hard. It can lead you down a path of simply wanting to crawl into bed and not face the world because of the things that may happen. For me, the thought of running into someone that I have had a falling out with at the supermarket fills me with dread. Not knowing whether I will be ignored or whether the opportunity will be taken to point out all the things I have done wrong will be taken. And I'm not sure which one would be worse! So it becomes easier to stay home so neither of those options occur. I choose when and where I take my children. There are days where we choose to do something on the other side of town so that if something were to happen, then it's not likely to be around people we know.
Anxiety has been what has halted my writing on here. Worrying about how what I write will be taken. If it's too personal. If it's not personal enough. If my authentic self comes across to those who don't know me well, or for that matter, at all.
There is a saying in the personal development world, "feel the fear and do it anyway." Now, whilst I'm not quite ready to throw myself across burning coals like Tony Robbins might have me do, I am willing to dip my toe back in the water at the moment. See how warm the water is. Be a little braver. A little more bold. Be open to letting go of the fear and anxiety a little and letting my true self show.
Kelly xx
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