On the 6th Day of Christmas

12 Days of Christmas - Day 6

On the 6th Day of Christmas I looked after myself by calling in reinforcements. I had a shitty morning, and after a whinge session with one of my friends, I called in reinforcements. Our favourite babysitter, good friend and boss came and hung out with small people so I could go in and out as I needed to get ready for a gingerbread night. 

I had already asked for help at that, but I had to get to the idea that I didn't have to be there for every second of the set up. I left lists of what needed to be done.

Basically, I cut myself a little slack and the job still got done. And everyone had a nice time.

On the 5th day of Christmas

On the 5th day of Christmas I looked after myself....

Now this is a tough one, but quite honestly, I tried not to be superwoman. And anyone that knows me, knows I'm more of a Wonder Woman girl anyway!

I did what I needed to do, worked my network marketing business, worked in my paid job with a little bit of adjusting to my hours, but I recognised that my body was tired so I didn't push myself to go to trampolining. 
We ate chinese for dinner (just the adults). 
We have only just sent the eldest to bed because he's just not tired before 10pm due to the meds he's on, which has meant a lot less screaming and making him do stuff that his body is just not ready to do.


Tomorrow is going to be a tough day to look after myself through!

On the 4th Day of Christmas

On the 4th Day of Christmas I looked after myself.....
By staying home. Yes, I did chores around the house for the day, but I also put on my favourite Christmas movie in the background. Can you guess what it was?

Here's a hint....

no?

my favourite scene..

So, can you guess??

On the 3rd day of Christmas

On the 3rd Day of Christmas I looked after myself.....

By being part of a pamper workshop that looked after other people and showcased the products I sell. And had a glass of wine with friends afterwards.

On the 2nd day of Christmas

On the 2nd day of Christmas

 I looked after me......

By having dinner with two families who love and accept us as we are.  We are so grateful for both of these families who are generous and kind and forgiving.

On the first day of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
I looked after me

By hanging out with 3 amazing ladies. Laughing a lot. Not talking about the shitty stuff of life, drinking wine, eating chocolate and pizza and watching Gilmore Girls.

We now call ourselves TANK

So thankful for amazing women in my life who fill my TANK regularly. 

Are you going to join me in the 12 days of Christmas challenge?

Anxiety and all it's vices

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this from a good place. Just so you know.

But I'm not always in a good place. Some things get me down. Lack of sleep gets to me, sometimes self inflicted, other times simply by children being up and in our bed through the night.  Sometimes it's because it feels like I have hit a brick wall.  Sometimes it's because of what someone has said, often without knowing the full weight of our circumstances.  And this is what I want to talk about.

Anxiety.

Feels a bit like a dirty word to me. But one thing that happens when you have children that don't always act "typically" you become really anxious.  You worry about every move that they make. You worry about how something as simple as another child coming to join in their play in a playground might play out. You worry about how the other parents are going to see you. You worry that they are going to think that you are a crappy parent who can't teach their children not to hit or push. Mostly though, these parents don't really understand that Autism has this really nasty way of making that hard to communicate that it's not ok, but when you throw in verbal delays or even simply trouble communicating why you don't like something, then you live your life on the tenterhooks of trying to predict what is going to come next.  It's like your spider senses are tingling, but ALL THE FREAKIN TIME!

And, to be honest, I have learnt a lot about being a parent these last 6 and a half years.  The way I parent now is a very different way to how I thought I would.  I am probably a better parent in a lot of respects. Probably a better person too.  A much more compassionate and forgiving person.

But there is one thing that plagues me.  And that is anxiety.  Anxiety can really be debilitating.  It can stop me being able to communicate what's going on. It can make the simplest decision seem hard.  It can lead you down a path of simply wanting to crawl into bed and not face the world because of the things that may happen.  For me, the thought of running into someone that I have had a falling out with at the supermarket fills me with dread. Not knowing whether I will be ignored or whether the opportunity will be taken to point out all the things I have done wrong will be taken. And I'm not sure which one would be worse!  So it becomes easier to stay home so neither of those options occur.  I choose when and where I take my children. There are days where we choose to do something on the other side of town so that if something were to happen, then it's not likely to be around people we know.

Anxiety has been what has halted my writing on here. Worrying about how what I write will be taken. If it's too personal. If it's not personal enough. If my authentic self comes across to those who don't know me well, or for that matter, at all.  

There is a saying in the personal development world,  "feel the fear and do it anyway."  Now, whilst I'm not quite ready to throw myself across burning coals like Tony Robbins might have me do, I am willing to dip my toe back in the water at the moment. See how warm the water is.  Be a little braver. A little more bold. Be open to letting go of the fear and anxiety a little and letting my true self show.

Kelly xx

The current dilemma

Hi everyone,

It's been a really long time since I have written here.  I have a few drafts of things I have been thinking about, but they haven't been quite.....right.  

I wanted to tell you a little bit about our current challenge, and one that has taken me a little more by surprise than I thought.  

Our youngest son, J, who is 4, nearly 5, is supposed to be heading off to school next year.  The challenge with that is that he has a Global delay, and so he is actually much closer to 3 than he is to 5.  Now, we have seen some amazing advances this year with him being in pre school and we have been so blessed to be really well supported in that environment. However, big school is such a different place.  There are so many more things that he needs to be able to do, and at this stage, he just isn't up to them developmentally.  

So, this leaves us in a predicament.  

We need to decide whether to:

•  apply to send him to a specialised unit for schooling next year, which is then decided by the department of education on where he will actually be placed
• whether we attempt to put him into a mainstream class with support, though probably not to the level he is supported this year. 
• do we repeat him in pre school? If this is an option we choose, he has new kids next year to deal with, and are we potentially stunting his learning? Or, are we allowing his social skills and language to catch up to the rest of his ability? 

Each option, in our case, has its pros and cons which I won't bore you with here. But it has really put us, and particularly me, in a position where I feel that whichever option I choose has the potential to have great impacts on his growth and potential to be the best that he can be.

I spend a fair bit of time chatting to other parents with kids on the spectrum, and I am very lucky to have a little group of friends who all have children the same age as J.  It's been interesting to watch as we all navigate what the best schooling position is best for our child. The thing that has struck me is that this decision is a really individual one.  

I guess though, what I hadn't been expecting, was how much fear I have around J going to school next year.  How concerned I am about how he is going to go. Whether he will get lost in the crowd in a mainstream class, or if he won't be challenged enough in a unit placement. I find myself analysing every detail and to be honest, I'm still not sure what is the right decision for him.  At this stage I need to trust that the right outcome will show itself.  That God has his hand on this decision and will open and close the doors that we need him to. 

Question time

I asked on my facebook page if there were any questions that people wanted me to answer.  I got a couple of responses, a few through PM.

The one I want to answer came from a person that I love dearly.  Probably one of my guiding lights in my life and she may not even know it.  Someone who I watched parent her children and learnt so much from. Someone who I honestly idolised in the parenting space. And her then small boy who I just loved.  He's now a much bigger and taller young man who has grown into a fine gentleman from the great work that her and her husband have done. Her 2 girls, one now a young woman, are just a delight to be around and amazingly respectful and funny people.

Anyhoo, the point of this post is not to be an appreciation post about my friend, though I am truly indebted to her for her role model that she provided.

Her question, and I paraphrase, is around how you share the reality of life without offending other people, or how you share information without coming from a place of a wounded heart, where possibly someone has said something that really shows ignorance, or worse yet, judgement.

I come at this from two angles. 

One is, that sometimes, you don't know what you don't know.  

So, seemingly ignorant or insensitive comments come from people who have no experience of what the reality of your life is like. And in one instance, you don't want them to know the intricacies of the struggle that you face.  But you do want them to have compassion with where you are at.  So, informing people that possibly I am running on 3 hours sleep because J has been up for the majority of the night might sound like I'm complaining (and honestly, sometimes I am), but it's also trying to inform people that when I say I am tired, that it's not an exaggeration. That this affects my brain processing and sometimes my emotional ability to deal with anything more than the bare minimum is about informing, not making my life seem *worse* than yours.

The other is this. They are operating from the information that they know from their experience. 

All the things that have happened to them help inform their opinion on a situation. So it often says more about them than it does about me.  I try really hard not to take this personally, particularly when someone wants to tell me my kids need a good smack and that'll learn them.   I had one unfortunate experience of this with a father that was very upset that my son had touched his. And I get it, I wouldn't like it if I was him either. But he was rude, and dismissed both my apology and my explanation of what was going on.  It really upset me at the time, because I didn't disagree with him. I could see where he was coming from.  But he couldn't see where I was coming from. From a parent who is trying everything in their power to help her son get the help he needs to be a better citizen in this world. He doesn't see the time that we take to teach self regulation. To teach using words over hands to make your point. to see the hours of informal therapy that's gone in to getting to where we are at today. And for that dad, I am grateful that he hasn't had that experience.  That his point of reference is different. 

But I must say this one thing.  There are times when people really hurt you. To the core. And then you need to make a decision of whether they are a helpful person to have in your tribe. Sometimes it's time to acknowledge that the time or reason for that person to be in your life has changed. The hardest thing I have found is letting go of that friendship in those circumstances.  But there is a point where for my own sanity and to protect my own heart, I need to let go - with gratitude for the role they have played in my life.

What I do think we need to do is help get information out to those who don't have our experience in a model that shows compassion and invites genuine questions.  And whilst those questions might be clumsy, is coming from an authentic place from someone's heart, then welcome them, and inform as best you can, without being annoyed at the apparent ignorance. There are always things that we don't know about that others do. It's all about how you do it.

Grace and love.

Kelly xx