And no, not my usual style of being overwhelmed.
Not one that is fixed by a couple of glasses of wine and falling in to a deep sleep on the couch from exhaustion.
Overwhelmed with love.
In a moment of craziness, I shared my blog link on my personal facebook page today.
I had kinda clicked post before I thought about it.
I had been really anxious about who I shared this blog with, only giving the link to a few key friends and a few random people who don't know me well enough to judge me on it!
But what came was not what I had expected.
It was so much more.
Messages of love. Messages suggesting that I am something more than I am. That I'm brave. That we as a family are brave.
Whilst I appreciate the outpouring of love and support, I don't feel like I'm brave. I don't feel like we are amazing. I don't feel like we are doing anything that any other family wouldn't do.
Yes, we fight. And hard. But wouldn't you? Wouldn't you be asking questions, researching, trying new things, helping your child to be the best they can be?
OK, I acknowledge, that we have challenges that are different than that of other families. That's the whole point of the blog, after all. But just like if the roles were reversed, you would buy your kids noise cancelling head phones.
You would work out when sensory overload was coming.
You would try diet changes and stay on a diet for 2 and a half years because you see benefits from it.
You pursue speech therapy and OT. You put visuals through your house to encourage speech. You simplify your language so you can make your language clearer.
You enlist the help of a Paediatritian. A Psychologist. The school.
You do parenting courses, because heaven forbid that those critics who don't understand at all are right and it actually is about crappy parenting and nothing about the challenges.
You read. Everything and anything.
You consider. and reconsider. and reconsider again.
And in the end you decide, regardless of how much your kids drive you insane with how long it takes them to put on their shoes, or that at 4 they are still not toilet trained, that you will do anything and everything you can within your power and means to help them.
Kelly xx
And now...the fallout.
We have an anxious child that goes from zero to 100 in about a second
We have a child who doesn't trust that what the adults say will actually be the case
We have a child who is pushing his brother around to gain a sense of control
We have an anxious mother who still doesn't know if what she did was right
We have a father who has a lot on his plate as well as trying to keep us all together
We have ... quite honestly....4 exhausted people in our home.
People who are trying to do their best, feeling like they never quite measure up.
People who are a little too hard on themselves and those around them that they love
People who are trying to make headway in a rocky time that feels like it just rolls from one thing to another, a bit like a wave that crashes and tumbles on the shore, only getting a second to come up for air.
People who feel invisible and conspicuous all at the same time.
People who are not looking for sympathy, but a way through the forrest.
People - particularly the boys - who feel like they fit out. One who is starting to notice that he's different. The other that seems to be blissfully unaware. I'm sure that won't stay that way.
People who desperately want it to not be like this..............
Today we had D's observation for his assessment. It was horrible. And you know what the most horrible thing about it was? That we had to actively undo all the good work we had done over the holidays in getting him all calm and settled ready to go in to the term.
So, we withdrew all his supports at home.
We messed with his routine
We allowed technology when it's not usually allowed
We refused to facilitate him doing anything to be ready in the morning
We gave him too much choice
I deliberately accidentally broke the train track that he's been working on for the last day and a half.
We were late for school
I left abruptly
We employed the help of other classes in the school to help get him as escalated as we could
We removed all the supports at school
We created a chaotic and unpredictable environment for him to be in
And you know what we noticed? Whilst he was obviously escalated and anxious, that his coping skills and management of himself has increased dramatically. He didn't completely melt down - which we had expected. He didn't need to come home because we had pushed so hard that he broke. He has grown as a person this last year in ways that we possibly hadn't noticed.
It's one of the challenges that you face when you have a child that sits "outside the box", that you need to actively sabotage them to get other people to see what you are on about. And that hurts. I felt like the worst mum in the world when I left an obviously anxious child at school without the usual supports that he would have. His beautiful teacher told me after that she felt horrible doing it to him too, even though we had an agreement on what we were going to do from the beginning of the year.
Then you know what he says to me tonight? "I don't feel like I fit in Mum, I feel like I fit out, like Oh in Home."
Just breaks my heart really.
