The observation

Today we had D's observation for his assessment.  It was horrible.  And you know what the most horrible thing about it was? That we had to actively undo all the good work we had done over the holidays in getting him all calm and settled ready to go in to the term.

So, we withdrew all his supports at home.

We messed with his routine

We allowed technology when it's not usually allowed

We refused to facilitate him doing anything to be ready in the morning

We gave him too much choice

I deliberately accidentally broke the train track that he's been working on for the last day and a half.

We were late for school

I left abruptly

We employed the help of other classes in the school to help get him as escalated as we could

We removed all the supports at school

We created a chaotic and unpredictable environment for him to be in

And you know what we noticed? Whilst he was obviously escalated and anxious, that his coping skills and management of himself has increased dramatically.  He didn't completely melt down - which we had expected.  He didn't need to come home because we had pushed so hard that he broke. He has grown as a person this last year in ways that we possibly hadn't noticed.  

It's one of the challenges that you face when you have a child that sits "outside the box", that you need to actively sabotage them to get other people to see what you are on about.  And that hurts.  I felt like the worst mum in the world when I left an obviously anxious child at school without the usual supports that he would have.  His beautiful teacher told me after that she felt horrible doing it to him too, even though we had an agreement on what we were going to do from the beginning of the year.

Then you know what he says to me tonight? "I don't feel like I fit in Mum, I feel like I fit out, like Oh in Home."

Just breaks my heart really.